a warning to all travelers

The Curse Of Mallorca, or Get Me The Hell Off Of This Godforsaken Island

Past the white sandy beaches of a small island in the Mediterranean, through the narrow winding forest paths, in a hidden cave high up on the tallest mountain, an ancient tale was written on a forgotten stone wall. It is a tale of the horrors that befall wayward travelers in the few months known as Spring, when the evil spirits of the night come out to play...and to prey.

These zombie-like creatures are of the species Britannius Inebrius, and they thrive in dismal rainy weather and feed off of greasy chips, alcohol, and the sheer exhaustion of others. It is written that when unsuspecting foreigners come across these spirits, they will not be left alone until the zombies' appetites for doom and destruction have been satiated. Do not make the mistake of thinking that since they are the devil's minions that they are therefore insubstantial; they are very much flesh and blood and they can do enormous amounts of damage if given free reign.

If you ever find yourself in the company of these spirits, traveler, I beg you: do not make eye contact, for they will drench you with water. Do not stop to chat because that will only encourage them. And most of all, do not give them your name, for they will alter it into a ridiculous nickname and call it out all night long down the streets and hallways. You must also never invite them inside, for they will eat your food, listen to your music, and refuse to leave you in peace. And even if you let them know where you reside, they will wail, bang on the walls, and buzz deafeningly outside until you go insane.

The terror that you feel in the midnight hours when you are awoken by screaming, chanting, and horrible crashes is indescribable; you feel as if there is no escape and you will surely die. It may be possible to keep them at bay with spades, mops, and brooms, although it is probably best if you just don't open your door, because it is very likely that you will be consumed and reduced to a pile of pink powder. Their overall aim is to turn you into a night-prowling devilish zombie like themselves. Again, I urge you to be inconspicuous; do not stand out by letting it be known that you are not of the Britannius species, because drawing attention to yourself is the quickest way to destruction.

Traveler, you have been warned. Do not awaken the drunken spirits, for they will destroy you. Or your holiday. And perhaps your balcony furniture.

We, the undersigned, urge you not to take this warning lightly.

Vicky, Bobby, Sandy, and Fernando